i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
