Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
