i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
