my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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