Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
