The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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