I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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