my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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