you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
