dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
false alarm. still invincible.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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