There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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