When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
