Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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