So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My ATM looks so different sober.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
