just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Randomize
