I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"