Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?