You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.