Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
