I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
