dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
well you can't waste a boner
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
