im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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