Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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