Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
