my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
