My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
