How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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