Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
