I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
