i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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