can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
