Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
