I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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