I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I came so hard my ears popped.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
