dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
