ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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