he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
