First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
