Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
