Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
