i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
