We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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