Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
