I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
