I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
