I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
