Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
