Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
