Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
