I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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