hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
