i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
