i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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