shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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