Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
