You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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