I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
