Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
