I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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