i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
