I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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